You should've seen it with your own eyes...

But that wasn't the end to my moving experiences for the day, there were countless other small moments with families who invited me into their homes as I passed (its hot enough that their homes are very open with bare spaces where the doors and windows should be so you can see inside everyone's home) to join them watching TV and their children translated.

Despite a lack of language sometimes we seemed to communicate ok and they understood my mimings of TV dramas which was funny. Amazing how soap opera storylines are the same all over the world so you can understand whats going on no matter what the language is :)

I found the kids the easiest to communicate with as even if they didn't have good english they seemed to get the gist of things and we could communicate somehow.

I went fishing with some kids who clamboured round me wanting photos of themselves and then to take some of me. It's times like these that travelling with a little snap happy digital comes in handy as their sticky hand fumbled with the buttons, but I couldn't say no as they were just so stoked to be able to use it.

After I'd finally tired of strolling the neighbourhoods I checked out the beach again in the late afternoon in the company of two young teenage fisherman who took me on a tour and were very proud to show me their wee fishing pod that they'd built themselves.

I'd run out of battery on my camera by then, but I wish you could have seen it with your own eyes, the mastery of hadiwork on them is astonishing as they appear to be made from some kind of dried palm that been woven together.

Eventually, in the late afternoon I ate a vietnamese lunch with a particularly bright 11-year old girl who acted as my translater for her family who've now adopted me.

The grandmother said that she has six children, but now she has seven including me, because many tourists try to get a photo with her, but she liked me coz I didn't do that and instead had spent time sitting quietly passing the afternoon and sharing a drink of her bitter tea with her.

But actually it was me who was grateful because it was sooo nice just to be able to sit there with them and soak up the memories of my day as I watched the world go by and met various members of their family as they came and went.

One of her daughters in law is an English teacher at the local school (she taught herself from the radio) and she took over translating duties as I answered questions about my family and plans for the future.

Eerily enough the granmothers last name was Thuong (which means 'love' in Vietnamese). She was very startled to find that was my last name as well and had tears in her eyes as she hugged me goodbye.

I've promised to write a letter to her and she says she will send me baby clothes when I have children (her who has far less money than me offering to give me something!) and that I must bring my boyfriend to visit her in Vietnam.

She wouldn't believe me that I didn't have one. It's quite ironic that people in other cultures can find you beautiful when you're seen as ugly by those in your own.

Just goes to show that they are so kind Vietnamese people, they have such a STRONG sense of family and are so overwhelming friendly and GENEROUS. They have such big hearts. It really is a beautiful country and I'd say anyone who's been there will agree with me that it's the people who really make the experience there so utterly enjoyable.

Gosh, I was just so overwhelmed by the whole place. It's so nice to get off the tourist track and not have people trying to sell you things.

And I've walked around and explored every single neighbourhood in every country I've ever visited and never have I had people say hello to me, but here they ALL do.

God I'm glad I got out of Japan and didn't take that as the be all and end all of what asian people are like that's for sure.

Just goes to show why travel is so good for you huh, well for me anyway. I'm learning so much every day about the world and myself, it's just so incredible.

And now I understand what it's like to treasure the beach so much for people who never get to see it :)

Which is probably most of the rest of the world really huh!

Love always,
Fernleaf

The MOST Amazing Day of My Life

It's persisting down here today, I mean REALLY going for it! So lucky we got out and about yesterday.

Lauren opted for the beach AGAIN in desperate attempt to salvage any kind of tan at all, but as the wind was verging on hurricane strength gales which turned the waves into a raging mess and whipped the sand into horrible evil stinging monsters, I opted for exploring along the river and amongst the locals homes instead.

I'm sooooo glad I did, I can't describe the experiences I had yesterday quite fully except to say that it was absolutely remarkable.

One of the most amazing days I've ever had in my life. The hospitality and generosity and openess of these people is just soooooo overwhelming.

I cannot find words to justify the experience.

I'd stood watching the comings and goings of the river for a wee while before deciding to venture down a side path that didn't look like anywhere tourists would go.

I wanted to see the real Vietnam, not just a bunch of shops, I wanted to see what life was like for these people and I am glad that Lauren was ensconced happily at the beach as it's much easier to do that sort of thing on my own.

I don't know if it's coz she's American, but she just seems to have a very overbearing energy that alienates people and I'm not sure if it helps coming from the country or simply being a New Zealander makes you more easy going about things, but I found it very easy just to make my way through the paths and streets and without making ripples with people when I was on my own.

And it was very, VERY peaceful to be alone with my own thoughts for at least a little while.

It was actually quite nice and sunny and a little less windy strolling along the river, which is the opposite side to the beach. Felt a bit like the pied piper as I wandered as more and more children befriended me or ran off to get their friends and come to say hello.

I'm not sure if any Gaijin's (foreigners in Japanese) had been down that path before as people looked at once both startled/surprised/extremely curious/shy and happy to see me. And after adjusting their eyes for a few minutes each and EVERY person I passed bothered to smile and say a cheery hello.

Many families invited me into their home to watch telly or just stood by the fence talking to me, and one even wanted me to meet their disabled son as if touching him might bring good luck or something.

I hadn't a clue what they were saying to me as I walked past, I thought they wanted me to come in and buy food, so I smiled, shook my head, pointed to my water bottle and ambled on, only i was trusting my instincts today (its amazing how well they serve you when you listen) and decided to go back and see what they wanted.

I was ushered up some steps and into a living room where a young disabled man was sitting on a bed. I'm not sure what was wrong with him, but it was pretty clear he was disabled, from the deformity of the extremely thin limbs on his body and difficulty speaking.

I felt a little awkward not knowing what they expected me to do, so I sat down on the bed and said hello while his mother placed my palm in his. She was very keen to have her photo taken with him, though it broke my heart to do so as you can see the kind of self depreciating smile on his face in the photos I've sent with this email.

I also think he was rather smart though as he wrote an email address down for me to send a picture too and its sad that we often underestimate people judged on their outside appearances or assume that if someone has a disability they are also stupid when that is quite simply not always the case.

Like when some tourists who speak to foreign people speak louder and slower, but just because someone doesn't speak English doesn't mean they're stupid. People can tell a lot from your manner and body language and they know when you're being a prat.

And in my opinion I think it's sad that we don't value don't value disabled people highly enough because they actually are like GIFTS on this earth.

They really are. Because they remind us of the beauty of INNER STRENGTH.

Of what it is like to wake up every morning and face a myriad more challenges than most people just to get out of bed. They remind us of what it is like to be valued for who and what you are on this earth and not what you have or look like.

I think they are the essence of the beauty and pure strength of the human spirit and an absolute blessing to each and every one of us to remind us of what we have to be grateful of and what we are capable of. And they also remind us of the value of compassion towards others.

In my experience disabled people are often the ones with the biggest hearts, even though they are often the ones who receive the least love themselves.

That experience got me thinking of a disabled man that I used to see hobbling around the streets of Morrinsville. He had to walk as his disability wouldn't allow him to drive. And I used to think that every morning when he went out to face the world he was greeted with a million more challenges than me just because of judgements people would immediately make about him because of the way he looked, let alone the physical challenges he faced.

Whenever I got to thinking that life wasn't as great as I wanted that man used to inspire me because he reminded me of everything I should be grateful of rather than sulking about what I didn't.

And hope that reading this maybe he will inspire you too, because when you get to thinking about it, just start counting the little things like being able to see and hear, to even walk, things we all take so much for granted and yet they are not givens for all of us.

When you start counting those little things and work your way up then you forget what you don't have because you realise you have so much to be grateful for.

So if you ever do have the chance to meet a disabled person, please don't shun them because you feel awkward or uncomfortable, because there is so much beauty and inspiration to be found in life if only we take the time to be open to and experience it.

Hear no evil, see no evil

God Lauren has been a sulky nightmare today, was like taking a toddler on a trek to the ancient ruins and it was her bloody idea to go. Ugggh. Good lord, I mean honestly, not a positive thing to say about anything and soo much whinging!

I put up with it for as long as possibly, but finally had to say if you don't have anything positive to say I don't want to hear it.

And then she panicked when we had to walk all of two hundred meters in the bush by ourselves, even though it was on a man made stone path and we'd been given instructions where to go.

I'm now even more glad that I grew up in the country, which seems to have given me quite a good natural sense of direction and an ease in nature or poorer environments.

Poor Lauren has been driven everywhere her whole life and as a result she has the most INEPT sense of direction I have ever known anyone to have. I was completely befuddled at how she couldn't even manage to find her way from our hotel room to reception. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. Really!

That actually started to make me laugh in the end as even after six days she was still taking the same wrong turns!

I couldn't believe the behaviour on our tour though, a normally happy person had turned into a moaning, whining, terror. You really get to know someone when you travel with them huh.

Annnnnnyway, we are going to the beach now to keep her happy, but I've sneaked off to email on premise that I'm reconfirming our flights at reception.

She is missing 'Le Potato' I think, especially when she sees other couples and she says she can't sleep alone. Good god, I'd hate to think what she'd do if he karked it or something!

And then I had to put up with her eyeing every man in sight to see if they are paying her attention and flirting like mad with a geeky norwegian whom she somehow thought was hot.

She's also been getting really annoyed at how easily I talk to people and it's not my fault, it's just I'm not as fake and overbearing as some Americans tend to be. She thinks it's coz people here don't like American's full-stop, but they sure love your US dollars! I suspect perhaps i'm just more geniunely interested in people.

It's not all bad though, for some reason being around someone sulky makes me be more perky.

Got some GREAT jackets, suits, boots and shoes here too. And the scenery's soooooo different and beautiful. I really love the scenery. Not to mention the culture and the food is AMAZING.
It really is a remarkable place :)

Ah, feels good to get my gripes out about Lauren though, ahhhh. She doesn't like me emailing because she has noone to email herself so gets jealous and sulky, so I have to sneak off to do it!

It's because doesn't email any of her friends from home and the ONLY person she spends time with in Tokyo 24 hours a day, 7days a week is The Potato because they live AND work together AND have the same days off, which you know, I don't think is particularly healthy, but ah well if that suits them then that's all that matters hey. None of my business I guess.

Annnnyway, at least I've learnt a GOOD lesson and I will know next time to choose my travel companions VERY carefully preferrably single and not so insecure!

Vietnam REALLY is just soooooo great to see and soooooooo interesting though! I've met some GREAT people and am just soooo glad I came, will remember it forever. I really, really want to come back again at some stage as it's a country I'm really in love with.

I would say it's the people that make the place, at first, being in Japan so long I was shocked by their forward nature, but I really came to love their expressive personalities and overwhelming generousity by the time I left.

The scenery is just so different to anywhere I've been too though, sooooo LUSH and green. I love all the different plants and foliage, the beaches are great and flying over Ho Chi Minh you could see miles and miles of green interlaced with BRIGHT orange rivers.

It just looked the most amazing vibrant place with clusters of pink, yellow and blue houses sprawling everywhere.

And on our journey home at night it looked even better out the window as I watched endless streams of motorcycle lights snaking their way through the curving streets (I like how they're not straight) and I love how house lights look from the sky at night when they're not surrounded by streetlamps. Just beautiful.

Maybe that sums up Vietnam really, the simplicity and utter beauty of life and the people there. Or maybe that's what's so great about it, that you can't sum it up.

It's simply remarkable and constantly intriuging.

Maybe I'll see you there one day :)

p.s. did I say the food is AMAZING????

Yummmm yum!

We ate at a street stall type thing with the locals last night.

The dish is called Com ga ("caam gau") and is chicken, rice, onions and mint as far as I can tell, but it tates SUPERB!

Also I quite enjoyed the authenticity of eating with the locals and the lady who owns the shoe shop which I got all my shoes made at saw us and came and paid for our meals! Soooo nice eh!
It was cheap for her of course, but such a nice gesture :) AND she gave us a ride back to our hotel for free.

The girl on the front desk has aqcuired my lipgloss too :) She really liked it and swiftly pocketed it when I said she should keep it! Only cost 500 yen from Family Mart (like a seven eleven in Japan), but she was sooo stoked with the meagre half a tube, so I'm going to send her some more from here.

Was so awesome to eat out last night as really felt part of the culture for a tiny bit whilst all the other tourists waddled past dressed up to the nines and lined up outside their familiar Italian restaurant. They dont know what they're missing though, I mean we've had just the BEST most AWESOME food trying all the vietnamese stuff - it's soooooooo good!

It's windy, cloudy and maybe rainy today, but we are still going to the beach because Lauren as I've said, is from Ohio and it's 13 hours drive to her nearest beach, so she would like it even in a hurricane.

I am a bit spoilt coming from New Zealand because we have such great beaches - got a bit excited about going home last night. Think it's coz everyone here asks where I'm from and I've met other kiwis....and coz we've seen the beach - will be summer at home soon!

Can't wait to wear the great jackets and boots I got made here in Tokyo during winter though. I really hope it snows this winter - I know it'll be cold, but it'll be novel for me!

Oh yeah I've been learning some Vietnamese too, "thank you" sounds just like 'Come On' in English! Feels very funny to say it as doesn't feel polite at all :)

We've both been reading books by travel author Bill Bryson too - have you read him? VERY funny. I'm reading one about his travels through Europe to inspire me for future adventures.

It's called "Neither here, nor there" and I totally recommend it. It's one of those snuffle and chuckle to yourself outloud kind of books, very conversational easy to read style - I love it :)

Still alive....just

Well I am still alive, despite several harrowing trips down the road on motorbikes, let alone just crossing the street itself, but I seem to have got the hang of things now and settled into life here.

The trick when crossing the road is to just keep walking and look straight ahead, apparently this way motorcyclists can go around you, but it takes some getting used to for those of us not born with nerves of steel I tell you!

We went to the beach yesterday and swam (OMG my first time in SEVEN months!!!) oh it was glorious I tell you - especially the water - sooo warm.

But then the weather turned bad as a storm struck, but Lauren, bless her, is from Ohioin the United States and insisted on trying to sunbathe despite an obvious lack of sun, extremely violent winds and torrential rain!

Ohio you see is 13 hours from the nearest beach and I guess being a kiwi I just take it more for granted than she does. I mean I'm sure that's what a normal day at the beach is like for your average Londoner! hee hee:)

Anyway, it was sooo funny to me that she was determined to get a tan even amidst a tropical storm.

I think she's one of these people who have envisaged what their holiday will be like well before they go you see and had hoped to present herself back in The Potato's arms as a bronzed beauty.

And i'm not kidding about the potato thing either, I really am not being mean, she has said it as much herself!

Here's a case in point: Yesterday I pointed out an old man with a big pot gut who was frolicking happily away in the waves whilst his WHITE ass crack was hanging out for all to see and she said that's what Martin ('Le Potato'), who is a short stocky Irishman with a big flabby belly and also starkly white bod, would look like if he were there!

Not to worry though, we're hoping for the sun to come out again today.

I have to say though that after so long in Japan, this trip has really reinforced for me that experiencing something entirely different is sooooo good for you.

It really makes you update your perspectives on life which is SOOO refreshing!

First email home

Hey yeah I'm in Vietnam at the moment.

Oh my god its indescribable, I've learnt more here in a few hours than I have living seven months in Tokyo.

The challenge is just so awesome. To myself and my views. My whole approach to life and how I saw things.

Ohhh god I can't describe it, but the culture and the whole experience, well it's just PRICELESS hey.

And to think that I almost decided not to go coz then I'd save $1000...that compared to how this trip has changed my views about myself and life in just a few hours and the memories I'll take with me for a lifetime from it.

JEEZ. I mean it's just absolutely indescribable. And so damn cool :)

Have you read the book "The Beach"? It says in there "never say no to an invitation." And the waiter here just said he'd take us on his motorbike to his home village the day after tomorrow - it's famous for waterfalls and pineapple he says. What a unique experience! The PRICELESS kind.

Life is for living after all isn't it?

Anyway, I'm off to bed now, we've been travelling since 4am this morning and i've been a circus attraction the whole time being the only blond person in sight.

Its ok though, people are really nice and they always end up adopting me for the flight/trip whatever.

It's just I hate sticking out in a crowd, its my one thing that I really hate, I just like to blend in, but that's why I'm doing this I guess, to challenge myself.

Take Care and have a great week.
Fernleaf

I'm leaving on an airplane...

It's official.

I was a cat in a past life.

I had suspected as much from my extreme penchant for sleeping, but now I have proof.

I have successfully completed the challenge of being able to curl up into a complete circular ball within the confines of one single aeroplane seat :)

It seems god was thinking of me in at least some small manner when he made me short. (Excuse the pun).

Finally. The modern aeroplane has allowed me to have my revenge on all you tall spindly lot...

A sound sleep on a long haul flight. Ahhhhh.....

Vietnam, October 2005

Hello,

To save you having to scroll through hours of tedious emails I'll be posting my travel diary excerpts from Vietnam on the next few BLOGS.

Forgive me if I don't get too far today though as I've got to go to work while all you lot head off for a lovely sunny weekend :)

The completed BLOG will be waiting for you to read with your morning coffee when you get back on Monday.

toodles,
Fernleaf

Telephone Line

So Far Away

Im on the other side of this world
I wish I was there with you.

All these days and all these nights
Thinking about you my friend
I can't wait to get back home
And do it all over again...

Even though I can hear your voice
Dont you know that touch is my choice.

Even though I can hear your voice
Your still, so far away
I'm wishing you weren't, so far away...

Keep on

Kia Kaha (Stay Strong)

Sometimes your life can crumble
sometimes your soul might make you stumble

...but you can't drown in your sorrow.

Cause you might be found,
you might be found tomorrow.

Miracles do happen....even in Japan!

KONICHIWA!

Time is flying by! Before you know it I'll be home and we can chat in person - ohhh am soooo looking forward to seeing everybody!!!

Specially all you preggy people! It's like an epidemic I tell you! Is there something in the water over there?! Has the plot on Shortland Street got even worse? Do they even sell TV's there anymore I wonder?

Seriously I'm telling ya it really does seem like as soon as I left the country everyone was emailing with joyous news!....hmm actually come to think of it maybe it's a good thing I left when I did eh - eek! :)

SO how have you all been then hmmm? I wouldve thought with the weather warming up (it pains me to hear about the BBQs oh how I miss them!) that your fingers are unfrosted enough to be able to type wee Fern an email people.

I guess you think if you're not pregnant then you've not much news, but I can't say anything too exciting has been happening here either.

Oh there was a bit of drama and celebration last week though...

It started as a rather traumatic morning. I'd finished my last tube of vegemite - the salty grail! Nooooooooo! There I was standing under our kitchen cupboards fingers desperately patting away at the empty shelf above me....yes even in JAPAN I am short!....when I started to suspect the worst...

So being the incredibly intelligent person that I am I manouvered one of our kitchen chairs across the floor and climbed up to discover the awful truth....(cue screechy startled horror movie sounds "eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh!") .....Horror of horrors the cupboard was bare!

And still 21 weeks to go mother hubbard! How would a young kiwi survive that long without the black gold, the salty spread of the gods I wondered??

So there I was, lost in an asian wilderness, with only raw fish and rice for comfort, contemplating my fate when suddenly I came across an oasis in the department store desert....

There, as if bathed in glowing golden light upon the foreign food store shelf sat ONE jar of vegemite. Count with me people, ONE I tell you.

ONE jar of salvation... And I swear I heard angels singing :)

Honestly, I truly believe I experienced a miracle that day, a work of true divine intervention, as NEVER before have I EVER seen vegemite in that shop before and for there to be only ONE jar left (and a proper glass jar too mind, not one of those chepo plasticy ones, nooo)...well I think someone was looking out for me that day :)

So there you go people miracles DO happen - keep the faith I tell you and maybe the Black Caps will actually win a match this season :)

Life here has been pretty quiet since then though - well it's pretty hard to compete with a miracle now isn't it - I mean can't go having them everyday now can we, people might come to expect things!

No, no, just your everyday run of the mill stuff like my flatmate getting engaged to a guy from Ireland whom she met here and has known for two months!... and (just between you and me) who ironically looks very much like a potato!

Oh and I"M GOING TO VIETNAM NEXT WEEK - Yahooooooo!

Most of my other news is just small tidbits of observations, like at the park today - winter has arrived and with it so has the rain, and this morning I saw the most astrocious act of animal cruelty...

A woman was walking her dog....which was not only wearing a fully buttoned down rain coat....but BOOTIES as well!!!!

I mean can you imagine, there are two things dogs live for in life: food and walkies....especially in the rain. They LOVE it!

A dog in the rain is thinking "oh rain, oh boy, oh rain, oh boy oh yeah, oh mud YAY! oh rain, oh boy!"

If a dog were thinking "iiiiick ugggh water, oh GROSS! Oh it's on my paws, eeeewww..."

Then that people, would be a cat.

I might start a new campaign of my own - you know with one of those trendy little rubber plastic bangles that everyone's wearing these days and a catchy slogan like Dogs not Dolls or something. Who knows - I could make my fortune in Japan yet I tell you!

So stayed tuned for more riveting indpeth reports from life around the world in the future!

Smiles and GREAT BIG HUMUNGOUS HUGS to everyone,
Love Always,
your wee Fernleaf in Japan.

p.s. Does anyone know if they have Vegemite in England????

"You've got to find what you love"

I just read this, it's So INSPIRING! Carpe Diem....

"You've Got to Find What You Love"

STEVE JOBS, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered the Commencement address at Stanford University on June 12, 2005. His life stories are fascinating and inspiring examples of what it is to live life trusting synchronicity.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky – I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me – I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Stanford Report, June 14, 2005

possibly the funniest thing I've ever read

I know it's bad to encourage it but if you have a few spare moments at work you should check out this blog.

It is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. Ever.

http://ahyesmedschool.blogspot.com/2005/08/eagle-eyes.html

Quick whip the popcorn into the microwave now and make sure you check out more than a few of the entries as they're all great....it's worthwhile entertainment I tell you - and informative too!

Smiles
Fernleaf

yours always,

Oh and here's an email i sent some people recently, though not sure if everyone got it...

I can't believe there's almost only 4 (3 now!!) months till Christmas - eek! (holy smoking banditos Batman!)
Not much news to report here - We (flatmate and I) are booking tickets to Vietnam for October and I might have the same days off as her next month so we can do weekend trips around Japan.

NOTE: (well that all went to pot since she went and got engaged and I've seen hide nor hair of her since, well maybe a hair, but that's about it - and also there's only 3 months till Christmas - did I mention that? And since I want to do Camp America next year I've gotta start saving.....after the trip to Vietnam that is :)

Also transfering to my home branch in October, which means no trains, i can just walk there - yay! And also join the hip hop dance class at the gym - wouldn't dare at home, but here I can use my lack of language skills as explanation for uncordination.

My flatmate tried to get me to join the ballet class with her (skinny beanstalk of a girl), but I said no way. I mean can you imagine? well I'd look ridiculous now wouldn't I? Like a blimmin flying potato!

hee hee, oh there is a man that does that class though. Great strapping bulk of a thing he is too - Iyou'd never catch a man back home doing that now would you! I heard the All Blacks do it mind - good for flexibility.

The men here are very strange though, all skinny and wiry with pointy shoes and spiky orange hedgehog hair....and disturbingly fond of the colour pink. saw one of them with a bright FUSCHIA colured singlet on the other day.

Not to mention one with not only a Louis Vuitton handbag, but a DOG in it as well!

Ah the joys of travelling. Well I must be off, but please write and let me know how you are.

NOTE: Well I didn't join the hip hop class as my schedules different now, but I have bought a book on yoga and been learning about meditation would you believe! Well c'mon I mean with a name like Fern Phoenix Love and hippies for parents it was only a matter of time before I became one myself now wasn't it :)

Love you all heaps,

oh and I can't wait to see all these babies that are popping out all over the place when I get home - my god do they not sell televisions in New Zealand people?! Hee hee, only kidding, CONGRATULATIONS Kara and Liam! I promise to write soon.

yours always, Fernleaf

I like this one :)

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says " Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "F*$&K, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

Love/Hate ah it's all the same isn't it?

ok so I realise it's been ages since I updated the BLOG - where on earth has the time gone! And I've had a wee look back at my posts since I first got here and on and on...and I had to laugh at myself because I seemed to like Japan so much when I first got here.

And I'm sure I will again....after I leave. But I was reminded of what Gavin (darkly sarcastic irish coworker) said to me one day....I was prattling on about something, you know how i do :) and I said "oh well I wouldn't say I hate Japan" and he said "don't worry, you will."

Oh how naive i was! I guess it was the novelty of things, but now that's all worn off and I realise that people ARE rude and pushy - seriously I've lost count of the times I've come home swearing I'm going to end up battering someone with their own umbrella before I leave or pushing them off their goddam bikes!

I know it seems terribly intolerant of me, but perhaps you have to live here to understand how they are just so incompetent on said bikes and their way of warning you they're coming behind is to make a hideous screeching noise with their brake pedals.

Which is what makes one want to turn around and push said offender of said bike and then brake it into little tiny bits!

Good god I have changed since I got here! Flatmate made me laugh the other day though, she said when she first got here I told her not to make eye contact with people because that's why they weren't moving for her.

It's the key you see, there's a sneaky subtley to getting about that the Japanese have all mastered which seems to involve pretending that other people don't exist....or at least that you don't see them.

Yet another reason why I may yet accost someone and beat them silly with my umbrella if they bump into my goddam bag one more time!

Ahem, ...er yes, well anyway I guess it's just the perils in living in one of the worlds most populated cities and when I get home I'll probably be complaining that it's empty and where are all the shops?

Oh so what else has been happening, well so much to tell you really, I keep making little notes on my jotter pad and meaning to put them down in blogs and I will, I WILL get them all done before I leave, but I can't quite believe how fast that time is coming up - eek!

Well since August or so I've had my hair dyed purple by Japanese hairdresser, which then went grey in her attempt to correct mistake! Co workers took to calling me 'grey owl' or 'wise one' there for a bit, but it's since washed out and I'm back to blond - thank god!

I have pictures which I'll put up tomorrow - looks just like one of those dreadful before and after shots for work out adverts!

It's only one week until we go to Vietnam - yay! And my flatmate recently got engaged to an irish guy she's been seeing the last two months and who ironically enough resembles a potato, but who treats her like gold - so hey hooray for them! So i hardly see her anymore now which means i get the apartment to myself - nice since it's not that big anyway!

oh we did go shopping in Ginza last week though - window shopping mind as i didn't see anything i might be able to afford in this lifetime in the Christian Dior store! God there is so much to write about just in that one trip though!

Oh and I've also been to the dentist - but that is a story worthy of it's very own Blog! And I promise to write about that next so stay tuned for more exciting adventures in Japan!

Love, Fernleaf

the wheels on the bike go round and round

My flatmate has also lived in Germany - yet another nation of bike riders only she says THEY are very decisive with their bike riding, they choose a course and stick with it and it's your choice if you get out of the way or not. Plus you know, generally as a nation they're tall and lithe with strong firm bones.

The Japanese on the other hand completely befuddle me with their apparent lack of decision making skills. I wonder if it is a cultural thing, a result of always being taught to make decisions on consensus and never give your personal opinion. maybe it's genetic? has research been done on this I wonder?

Whatever the reason it really is quite painful to watch them struggling along sometimes. I mean they insist on riding these HUMUNGOUS beasts of bicycles with wheels that are bigger than they are - presumably so the less work their stubby little legs will have to do in carting them about - but good lord do they wobble! And then you get the ones who think they're speed racer or something, but are actually a menace due to their inability to make quick decisions and APPALLING lack of space/distance ratio judgement.

I mean good god, it really is UNBELIEVEABLE! I guess you'd have to have lived here to believe it, but they really do appear to have a severe inability to judge distance. If you are coming down the footpath towards them and theres a mile clear either side of you they'd STILL start to wobble frantically as they desperately try to make up their minds which way to go.

No kidding I mean really! The other day we saw this lady riding a bike on the street and a car came round the corner so she stopped, I mean literally stopped you know and the car has the WHOLE street to itself to avoid her and yet it STILL manages to scrap itself along the side of the bike! Unbelieveable.

I mean good god I thought I was a bad driver you know, but at least I can pull of a parallel park on Victoria street with confidence even when it's busy. But we spent at least an hour sitting outside a cafe in Ginza the other day watching even the smallest of cars attempt this park which would easily fit two vehicles in it, each finally chickening out and driving off after a few attempts until one guy got in there on 76 point turn! Honestly, I've never seen anything so simple turned into something so cringingly painful! And he still managed to crunch the wheels up against the curb!

It is a wonder the Japanese are known for their abilities in technology I tell you, though I suspect that maybe that's due to their almost inhuman ability to work non-stop which simply sees them getting things out to the market first rather than being any smarter because efficiency here REALLY leaves something to be desired. But that's a blog for another day.

Stay cool till after school kids

Ka kite ano (sorry if i spelt that wrong!)

Smiles
Fernleaf

did i mention the pictures?

No sooner had I stepped outside today than I was bombarded with opportunities! I turned the corner and there before me was a man walking his wee dog - ordinary you say - except the dog was decked out in it's very own bright red button down raincoat!

Wonders will never cease I tell you, though I spose it could have done with it's own personal doggie umbrella as well. Sometimes I wonder about the Japanese - maybe it's my advantage of having growing up in the countryside that i have innate practical sensibilities about life, because I wonder if people who've grown up and lived in Tokyo all their life don't have quite such a grasp on reality....I mean what do they think the fur on a dog is for for goodness sakes????? Fashion maybe?

In any case although I have a love/hate relationship with Tokyo as a city I must say one of the attributes of living here is that I am quite often astounded every single day :)

I only wish I could have taken a picture for you, of the beautiful little wooden italian restaurant with quaint courtyard next to the row of neon vending machines. Or the guy riding his bike holding an umbrella, cigarette and cellphone all in one!

Or of the little girl in the seat on the back of her mothers bike who did a 360 degree turn to smile at me as she passed, so I waved, smiled back and said "bye bye" as she passed and she almost leapt out of her seat with excitement as she did the same to me. So Kawaii.

That's what I love about children. How curious they are about life, how unafraid they are and how keen to explore and experience new things. Their minds are so fresh and uncynical that they haven't yet learnt to make assumptions or immediately put things in boxes. The world is exciting and new to them every. single. day.

Of course it's not always so fun sticking out like a sore thumb over here. Sometimes I get really tired of being stared at, especially when I'm running! And it makes me sympathise with hollywood celebrities on some level coz it's bad enough having people gawp despite having them take pictures as well! I don't know how they do it, but I spose I could for 40 million or so hey :)

Most of the time I just try to ignore it and stay in my own little world, but on days when I'm not feeling on top of things it can really get to me because when they look at you it's not a quick glance, it's always a steady stare out the side of their eyes which are already slanty anyway and well it just makes for feeling that I am the object suspiscion really!

Some days it really annoys me and others it doesn't, but I guess it's just part and parcel of living here and I do wonder sometimes if I might suffer celebrity withdrawl symptoms if I lived somewhere annoymous like London or what have you, which i hear makes you feel about the size of an ant for how invisible you feel in such a multi-cultural city...except recently if you looked middle eastern of course.

People here say living in a country where you don't speak the language is great coz it's so peaceful, but when you go home you get really annoyed because all of a sudden you can understand everything that people are saying whereas here it's just background noise. Wait and see I guess, but I seem to have a funny knack of being able to just tune out people around me if I want to concentrate on something else - I thought it was a skill only parents had, but I seem to have picked it up somewhere along the way - only sometimes it gets me in trouble coz people think I've heard them when I haven't!

What I'm most looking forward to when I come home though is the scenery and having nature at your fingertips so readily - it's something I really took for granted at home, but which is so precious here.

At the park I stopped to peer into the pond and made friends with a giant goldfish. He swam up and down looking at me and playing with the raindrops and I wondered if he was lonely as I didn't see any other fish.

I thought we made a funny pair the two of us, he alone in the deep dark pool and me alone in this big dark city, but both of us with raindrops falling on our heads and enjoying the company :)

Being there in that moment reminded me of all the summers I've spent camping and snorkelling up at Goat Island near Leigh and reminds me once again that I'm so glad to have grown up in New Zealand and had so many opportunities for a great lifestyle when some grow up never seeing the beach or snow let alone a paddock!

That's why you never see National Geographic photographers taking pictures in the city I think, because nature makes the best photographs, because it has the best creativity and that's because it's alive...and it reminds us that we are too.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll definitely try and get some pictures so I can share a little of my present world with you.

Till next time,
Fernleaf

A picture says a thousand words

I've just had one of the most amazing, unbelieveable and beautiful experiences of my life....and that was just a run to the park :)

I had grand plans of finally getting out and taking photos of all those things I see every day and want to share with everybody today, but awoke to an insipid drizzle shrouding the world in a dull grey hue. One of those days when it never seems to get fully light you know, and terrible for photographs.

Or so I thought. But when i finally couldn't stand being inside any longer and decided to get wet anyway I was pleasantly surprised.

I still didn't get any photographs. I was right at least that the light was poor and I wouldn't find any sharp images amongst the drizzle, but i'd forgotten how fresh the world looks after it's rained.

It's one of the things that first inspired me to take photos, I must have been about 8 years old when I got my first camera, I still have the pictures, can still see them now in my minds eye and I remember with a smile my stubborn determination to take close ups of the willow tree and our pond in the rain despite dad telling me they wouldn't turn out. And of trying to capture the etheral mist that gently cloaked the surrounding hills one morning that same winter and the moon as it rose in the evening despite being not having any filters or a wide angle lens let alone a zoom!

The memory makes me smile because I'm so stubborn I have to find things out for myself before I believe them despite what anyone else will tell me - sometimes to my own detriment - and also because my dad has always given me the freedom to discover for myself within reasonable boundary. He really is the best dad in the world. It's amazing I think, how when we're teenagers we think our parents are so antiquated and out of touch with the world, only to find as we grow older and experience life ourselves that they are actually very wise and incredibly patient to have put up with us!

It's one of the enigmas of life isn't it, unconditional love. And one of the greatest experiences we can ever hope to have.

Anyway, back to the photos....